Mile One Proposal to Help Lower Tuition

August 2017

A RECENT PROPOSAL tabled by Memorial University’s Board of Regents would see students writing exams in Mile One, according to city representative Tad Tatwell.

Ever since the Ice Caps wrapped up their tenure in St. John’s and brought an end to AHL Hockey in Newfoundland and Labrador for the time being, the city has been scrambling to find a new tenant for the Mile One Centre. This proposal may be the answer to council’s prayers.

“The University has a problem. The Provincial Government cut their funding and infrastructure is falling apart,” Tatwell explained. “It’s not a great situation to be in. The administration realized that a big empty stadium is also a problem and have proposed what they feel is a mutually beneficial idea.”

The plan calls for students of the English 1080 and Math 1090, both first-year courses with high enrolment, to write their final exams on the ice surface at Mile One.

“The demand for live entertainment at the Mile One Centre is there,” says Tatwell.

The Centre would sell tickets so spectators could sit in on the exams. The concession stands, in turn, would sell rotting produce. Fans could buy a ticket, buy an armload of produce, throw it at the those writing exams on the ice, and be entertained by the hapless first-year students slipping and falling on the ice as they try to escape.

“I think the fact the St. John’s Ice Caps set an AHL record for number of sell out games shows the demand for live entertainment at the Mile One Centre is there,” says Tatwell. “The City is currently mulling over the idea. Essentially, it’s down to this or a Canadian Basketball League team, and frankly we’re leaning towards throwing fruit at first year students.”

An anonymous source within the University confirmed that the Board of Regents had high hopes for the plan.

“They feel they’re extending an olive branch of sorts. They’re not a bunch of tone deaf monsters. They know being a student is hard work and feel they’ve figured out a plan that will allow them to avoid cutting spending, while taking students’ needs into account at the same time.”

University officials are hoping the plan will help quell recent protests over a potential rise in tuition.

Letter to Joey Smallwood

BY Shannon Webb-Campbell

Dear Joey: I’m still here and mixed

Mi’kmaq after all these years
You’re long dead, yet

Confederation couldn’t stop

Newfoundland’s ongoing

colonial violence.

You continued so unapologetically,

telling Ottawa there are no red Indians–